It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
