Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
