brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
