I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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