I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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