I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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