I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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