i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
