Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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