Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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