moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Randomize
