theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
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