So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
