i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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