Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
