I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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