I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
