You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
Randomize
