Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
It's never too late to be topless.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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