david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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