i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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