I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
No I am not eating basil off your cock
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
