I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
