Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
