I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
