whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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