Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
