'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
