I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
