He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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