it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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