I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
