you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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