you have to choose: penises or morals?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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