Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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