Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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