Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
