I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
