I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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