i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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