She went from zero to smokin in five shots
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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