Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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