my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Pants are for mortals
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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