Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
