she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
