I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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