Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
