I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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