I wish I could teleport
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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