:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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