So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
