You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
they're like a gay fantastic four
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Randomize
