I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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